so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
