Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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