A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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