I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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