sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
