You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
