i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize