Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
