Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
