last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
