10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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