She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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