My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
