i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
