My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
