i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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