I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
