Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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