He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize