You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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