I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
