Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
