I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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