Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
