I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
