I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I've blown a few things in my day
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Randomize
