Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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