my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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