I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize