I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Randomize
