saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
