You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
