I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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