I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize