Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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