so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
