get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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