i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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