well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
