weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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