mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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