Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Sext me about skeletons
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
