Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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