I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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