Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
