yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
