The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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