are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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