Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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