so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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