@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
