I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
My Higher Power is John Stamos
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize