got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
