I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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