Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
