you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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