my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
