omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
