Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
