here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
