i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
