who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
